


Characters watch Schitt’s Creek

by Downwiththeship7148



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29724576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Downwiththeship7148/pseuds/Downwiththeship7148
Summary: The main characters of Schitt’s Creek watch Schitt's Creek
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, Alexis Rose & Twyla Sands, Alexis Rose/Mutt Schitt, Jocelyn Schitt/Roland Schitt, Johnny Rose & Roland Schitt, Johnny Rose/Moira Rose, Moira Rose & Jocelyn Schitt, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Patrick Brewer/Rachel, Stevie Budd & David Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Comments: 16
Kudos: 32





	1. Where are we?

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters, story or anything else pertaining to Schitt's Creek.

The Rose Family were in the sitting room of their mansion having an argument about Alexis getting arrested for a DUI. When suddenly there's a bright flash of light and they are transported away.

Patrick and Rachel were at a family gathering celebrating their engagement when suddenly a bright light surrounds them and they find themselves in an entirely different location.

Ted was just getting ready to leave his office after a long day of work when he is engulfed by a bright light and finds himself somewhere new.

The Schitts were just sitting down to what was sure to be an awkward family dinner when suddenly they were surrounded by a strange light and whisked away. 

And just across the room from the Schitts, Stevie and Twyla, were standing at the Tropical Cafes bar where they are also transported away by the bright light.

****

Suddenly they all appear in a small cinema room with couches, chairs and a huge tv. A dozen voices start yelling, wondering where they are. 

After about a minute of confused yelling, screaming and arguing, a voice rises above it all and says, “Everyone be quite!” All eyes suddenly turn towards the person who yelled.

Johnny Rose wasn’t quite sure what was happening but he knew that they were not getting anywhere by screaming and arguing, “All right, now that I have your attention” he says looking around at the room, “We will be able to figure out what's going on with much more ease if everyone just calms down and actually looks around.” Everyone looks a little abashed at that and for the first time they all really look at where they are.

As they are all taking in the room Patrick notices a piece of paper sitting next to the TV. “Everyone over here! I found something!” Patrick yells. Everyone looks over at Patrick. Rachael steps forward and asks, “What is it Patrick?” Patrick scans through the letter quickly and then replies, “It looks like it explains why we were brought here.” “Well go on then! Read it!” Moira yells. Patrick looks abashed for a slight second, “Right, sorry” he says. 

Patrick clears his throat and starts reading the letter, “I’m sure you are all a little confused about what you are doing here. Well I hope this letter can clear some of your confusion. I have brought you all here to watch your future. I don’t have a specific reason for doing so. I'm honestly just really interested in seeing your reaction. So here is a little instruction on how to start. It would probably be easiest if everyone starts by introducing themselves and then you can all sit down and watch.”

Everyone just stands there for a moment not quite sure how to start. Then Alexis steps forward giving a small hair flip and an award winning smile she says, “I suppose I’ll start. My name is Alexis Rose. I am 26, and a former child actor and teen model.” 

Everyone outside of the Rose family was a little bit surprised about Alexis’ former careers. David simply rolled his eyes and stepped forward, “I guess I’ll go next. Hi, I’m David Rose. And I suppose if we are also stating our careers then I am an art curator/gallerist.”

Johnny then steps forward and announces himself, “Hello, I’m Johnny Rose, husband of Moira Rose, father of David and Alexis Rose, CEO of Rose Video and President of the Video Retailers Association.” 

After Johnny steps back, Moira almost glides forward in one of her signature flamboyant outfits. “Hello, good people! As you all must already know I am award-winning actress and philanthropist Moira Rose!” 

This time both David and Alexis rolled their eyes. But Jocelyn actually perks up a little, “I do know you!” she says. “Your Vivien on Sunrise Bay. Me and my husband love that show!” Moira smiles a dazzling smile and responds, “Oh well thank you…” Moira trails off looking towards Jocelyn. “Oh right I’m Jocelyn, Jocelyn Schitt and this is my husband Roland Schitt the mayor of our town Schitt’s Creek and then that is my son Mutt Schitt.” 

Twyla stepped forward then and introduced herself, “Hi, I am Twyla Sands, I work as a waitress at the Tropical Cafe in Schitt’s Creek.”

Stevie was next, “Yeah, hi. I’m Stevie. Stevie Budd. I am also from Schitt’s Creek. I work at the motel there.

Ted then eagerly stepped forward to introduce himself, “Hi! I’m Ted Mullens. I own a veterinary clinic in Schitt’s Creek and don’t worry I have the necessary koalafications.” Ted laughs at his own joke and if you look close enough you can see Alexis give a small smile.

Rachel then stepped forward, gave everyone a small wave and introduced herself, “Hello, I’m Rachel, I live in Toronto with my fiance,” she gestures towards Patrick “Patrick Brewer.”

Now that everyone's introduced no one seems quite sure what they are supposed to do now. And then suddenly the TV lights up with 5 words. Everyone please find a seat. They all immediately rush to find a seat. Once they all have found somewhere to sit the words on the screen change, Good, Now you all know you will be watching your future. You will be doing this in a TV show format. There will be sixteen "episodes" the first two "episodes" take place later this year 2015. The other fourteen take place in 2020. Are you ready? Everyone looks around at each other and then Johnny said, "Yes I think we are."

Suddenly the screen goes black and then lights back up and the show begins.


	2. Our Cup Runneth Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang watches the first "episode" of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Schitt's Creek, any of its characters or anything else pertaining to the show.

Suddenly the screen goes black and then lights back up and the show begins.

"There's our mansion!" Alexis points to the screen. "Wow! That place is huge." Says Ted in awe. Alexis gives him a flirty smile.

Maid: Immigration?

Revenue Agent: Revenue.

Maid: Missus Rose! There are people  
here from the government!

The Roses look horrified as they see the government take all of their stuff. "What the hell!" Alexis yells, "What do they think they're doing they can't just take our stuff!"

Moira: I've been gutted! John, I've been stripped  
of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life!

Johnny: Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?! Eli was family, for God's sake! Leave your finances to me he said! Son of a bitch!

"Eli did this!?" Johnny yells, "That son of a bitch! As soon as we get back, I will be firing him and then turning him into the authorities."

Alexis: Baby, it's crazy, people are just like, taking our stuff! I said, they're taking our stuff! Can you just step out of the club for a second, ple… Hold on, hold on! Those bags are not for you, my boyfriend bought those for me, so, theoretically, they are his!

"I'm not sure that's how it works." Patrick says skeptically.

Revenue Agent: Please sir, can you step aside?

David: No, you step aside! You step aside! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life! Destroy another person's life! Where are you taking that?!

Moira: My very soul has been kidnapped, there's no ransom, no one's coming to save me! 

"That seems a little dramatic. Don't you think?" Jocelyn says placatingly towards Moira.

Moira gives her the stink eye and says, "They are taking away everything I own! They are making me box up my precious bébés! And you say I'm being dramatic!" 

Jocelyn shrinks in a little and says in a small voice, "Yes?" 

Moira looks like she's getting ready to say something else but Johnny puts a placating hand on her shoulder and she begrudgingly turns away still fuming.

Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals, can we pick up the pace?!

Moira: No, no! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other! Nooooo! Nooooo!

Rachel leans in and whispers to Patrick, "Did she really name her wigs?" 

Patrick whispers back, "Yes, I think she did."

Lawyer: Eli really did a number, Johnny. He took everything. They're still looking for him,  
they think he's in the Caymans.

"That bastard! Why should he get to relax in the Caymans, while everything we own is being taken away from us!" David yells indignantly. 

Johnny tries to placate him by saying, "Don't worry son, I'm sure as soon as they find him he will be regretting ever embezzling a single dollar from us."

Johnny: He was our business manager, he's supposed to pay taxes!

Lawyer: Hmm. There is a very small amount set aside for you, and one asset the government has allowed you to retain.

Moira: The kids.

Everyone looks at Moira incredulously.

When Moira finally notices all the attention is on her she says, "What?" Everyone looks away shaking their heads.

Lawyer: The children are dependents, Moira. You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny. 

Johnny: Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

"You bought a town, as a joke?" Stevie asks, not quite believing her ears. 

"Yes." Johnny says not quite seeing what she was getting at.

David: Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Johnny: Yes, I purchased the town, how else could I get the deed?

David: You could've photo shopped the deed!

Alexis: And saved the money!

"Why would I Photoshop a deed, the joke was owning the town!" Johnny says.

Johnny: Why would I Photoshop a deed, the joke was owning the town!

Johnny blushes.

Moira: Okay, stop.

Johnny: That was the joke!

David: Oh my gosh!

Johnny: Well, that was the joke!

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit... This town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.

Moira: What do you mean?

Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.

Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into, please, there are other options.

Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

Alexis: The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors, who smelled like yams! 

"Oh my gosh! We have to live there! In that hodunk wasteland!" Moira screeches in horror.

"Hey." Says Roland indignitally, "That's my town you're talking about."

Alexis: There was nowhere to lie down!  
There was nowhere to lie down, there was no bed!  
There was no kitchen.  
I know!  
No.  
I don't know what to tell you, there's like,cows all over the place, like, everywhere. I don't know if there's even a station, I don't know what's happening!

Roland: Johnny Rose! Roland Schitt.

Johnny: Oh, you're the mayor we're supposed to meet.  
Roland: That's right, I'm the mayor, so if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine!

Mutt rolls his eyes at his father's antics.

Johnny: Oh, this is my family, my son...

Roland: Let's get you all squared away in the office there, Johnny, okay, the gals can grab the bags, you follow me, all right, right this way, watch it, honey, here we come.

Alexis: The "Cheaters" marathon we watched, it's like that.

Moira: Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

Alexis: David, what are we...

David: Shut up!

"Wow, rude much David?" Alexis says looking over at him.

David just ignores her.

Alexis: You shut up!

David: You shut up!

Alexis: Um, you shut up!

David: You shhhut up!

Johnny: The name is Rose.

Stevie: I don't see a reservation under that name.

Roland: It's okay, Stevie, I set aside two rooms for them.

Stevie: Well, there's nothing here.

Roland: Well okay, fine, just book 'em in with two rooms, these people own the town; They're big deals.

"Why do I feel like that was not a genuine compliment?" David asks skeptically.

Patrick leans over to look at him and says, "Probably because it wasn't."

"Well I wasn't asking you." David says dismissing Patrick's comment.

Moira: We'll need three rooms, minimum.

Roland: Ooh, no can do, honey. Look, we have a one room comp policy here, and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so…

"Sheer decency? Yeah right." Mutt scoffs.

"Mutt…" Jocelyn pleads with her son.

Mutt rolls his eyes slightly but sequests to his mother's pleading eyes.

Johnny: What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites?

Roland: This guy!

Stevie: Um… No, this is a motel, so we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers.

"That's a fun clientele." David says with a look on his face which says the exact opposite.

Moira: Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room! I just want a bathtub, and a long extension cord, please.

Roland: There you go, ma'am.

Johnny: It smells like a gym bag.

Moira: Does anyone else feel light headed?

Roland: Oh my gosh, this takes me back to high school. You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place. Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up.

"Oh gosh."

"I did not need to know that."

"Dad geez come on."

"Wow… that's just…"

Johnny: Okay, that's good.

Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

David: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!

Roland: Oh hey, chief, the other room's right through there. Here you go.

Moira: And there's the bed, I should probably pull off that cover, and... burn it.

"I wouldn't fault you. If it wasn't my job to make sure things like the sheets being burned doesn't happen. I would 100% join you." Stevie says.

Moira gives Stevie an appraising look.

Roland: All right.

Johnny: Good, Roland, thank you very  
much, appreciate everything, uh...

TV: ... Have a ball in the land down under!  
Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

Roland: Okay.

Alexis: Okay.  
-Okay.

David: - Oof!

Alexis: Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay. Okay. I love you!

"Who are you talking to?" Asks Ted.

"Probably my boyfriend Stavros." Alexis replies.

Roland: Oh, okay, well, it looks  
like you got all the channels except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why.

Johnny: Well, the thing is we won't be  
watching a lot of television, but again, thank you, I don't want to keep you,  
I know you're a busy man.

David: Whoa!  
-Hi.

Stevie: Can I help you?

David: I'm looking for an extra towel, 

Stevie: Okay...

David: And this might be a stupid question, considering the state of the rugs in our room, but do you have a business centre here?

Stevie: Yes, we do have a business center. You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the hammam spa. Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?

"That was uncalled for." Says David, giving Stevie a dirty look.

"I don't know it was pretty funny, Dave." Says Roland.

David: Thank you, no, just the towel, thanks.

Stevie: I'll get those right out.

Johnny: Well Roland, once again, thank you for giving us the lay of the land here, but we have some serious unpacking to do.

Roland: Oh, sure!

Johnny: If you don't mind.

Roland: No problem there, Johnny, I don't mind helping out. Listen, one thing before I go here, um… Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Moira: Is it absolutely necessary?

Roland: Uh, yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary! Excuse me. Absolutely necessary. Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean!

"Oh, Roland." Jocelyn sighs fondly.

David: I need that bed.

Alexis: Why?

David: Because I need it.

Alexis: Why?

David: Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first, so I need this bed.

Multiple snorts are heard throughout the room.

Alexis: So you're saying that you  
want me to get murdered first?! In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out… On the floor?!

David: Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

"Wow. Thanks David, really feeling the love." Alexis says sarcastically.

Alexis: Okay. Well, you can have the bed when I leave.

David: Well, where are you going?

Alexis: Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.

David: What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?

Alexis: Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate  
stops hogging his plane.

"Is she talking about Mary- Kate Olsen?" Twyla whispers to Stevie.

"Don't know, don't care." Stevie replies.

David: Well, where are we going?

Alexis: Okay, at present, he's just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

David: What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!

Alexis: Um, David, it will be four months next month!

"Wow. I honestly don't know what you say to that." Patrick says.

David: Oh my Gosh!

Alexis: And he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...

David: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling  
mom and dad, have you told them?

Alexis: No! No David, I'm waiting  
for the right opportunity. Okay, otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong, and then just doesn't  
talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

"Well then dear. Maybe next time don't abandon us in a flea infested dump." Moira snaps.

David: Well, I need this bed! I need it, so.

Alexis: You know what, David?! You get murdered first for once!

David: No, you get murdered first!

Alexis: David, you get murdered first!

David: No, you! You do it!

Alexis: Yes, you get murdered first! David, you get murdered first!

Suddenly everyone except David and Alexis burst into laughter.

"I'm sorry what exactly is so funny?" David says indignitally.

"Sorry David. Its just, its a bit of a funny argument. You can't disagree." Patrick says.

David looks ready to strongly disagree when Twyla steps in, "I have to agree with Patrick. It's really funny to hear, especially like this."

David huphs but let's it go.

Alexis: I actually think this place is kinda cute.

Moira: Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

David: Where's that weird man?  
-Where?

Johnny: He's in the bathroom. He... he won't leave!

David: Well, he's been in there  
for a very long ti… Oh my God! Oh my God!

"Ew!" Alexis says in disgust.

Roland: Jeez. Um... Boy. Remind me to get that window fixed. It will not open.

Johnny: Roland, listen, thank you very much, but I appreciate everything you've done, we need a little private time now, as a family.

Roland: Sure, well actually, those curtains do close there so… Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!

Johnny: Roland, could you get the fuck out?!

"Wow."

That single word could be heard loud and clear in the absolute silence that had fell over the room.

Stevie didn't need to say more; the sentiment was clear. 

TV: This latest model is a revelation in innovation. I am not lying folks, it's  
gonna last you a lifetime. You are gonna thank...

Johnny: That was an overreaction. That was uncalled for. It's just... you know,  
we're a little tired, it's been a long day, there's a pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off on most of us right now,

"That does not sound healthy." Ted whispers underneath his breath.

Johnny: and I just think as a family, we just need a little time to chill.

Roland: Johnny, please, you don't have to apologize, and you really don't have to hit me over the head with this sort of thing, I get it, you need your little family time and all that, I'm sure. No problem. You know what I'll do, I'll um… I'll just get the fuck out of here.

"Oh burn! Good job weird flannel man!" Alexis crows.

David: Ugh, we have to eat in here?!

Alexis: I think it's kinda sweet.

Moira: Alexis, what's going on with you?

Alexis: What do you mean?

Moira: Seriously?! The room was "cute," this place is "sweet."

"I do have to agree with myself, that doesn't sound like you Alexis" Moira states.

Alexis piecing together why she was saying all this doesn't respond to her mother. But instead just sits there looking slightly chagrined.

David: I am personally offended by this place, I don't know what you think is nice about it.

Moira: The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.

"Hey!" Roland cuts in indignitally, "This town has been home to my family for generations. You can't just come in here and shit all over it!

"Oh, we can't, can we?" Moira questions back.

Alexis: It is charming, it is quaint,  
it's like out of a storybook.

Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?!

Alexis: Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me, and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.

Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! Oh, hello!

"I'm sorry did she just call her daughter a selfish, duplicitous whore?" Jocelyn asks quitely.

"Yes." "Definitely." "100%." Twyla, Stevie and Ted all answer simultaneously.

Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today. 

Twyla perks up, "There's me!" She says enthusiastically.

Twyla: Anyway, I read about you guys, and everything you've gone through, it sounds super crappy.

Johnny: Super crappy?

Twyla: I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing, he made a ton of money. It turns out his entire business was illegal, and he lost everything.

"You know I had a cousin who was arrested and sent to jail on suspicion of running an elaborate drug operation. But it turns out in the end it was actually my Aunt and my Grandpa. Apparently he actually started the business decades ago and had been grooming my aunt to take over for years." As Rachel finishes her story she starts looking around herself for the first time and sees everyone's jaw dropped expressions.

She blushes a little, "Right sorry, got a little carried away there." She says sheepishly.

Patrick simply smiles fondly and rubs her back.

Johnny: Hm... not quite the same.

Twyla: Yeah, no, he went to prison, which is terrible, but… But he is learning  
Spanish, no más, ¡le duele! I think it means, "stop, it hurts."

Moira: Oh, wonderful anecdote. Could you give us a moment please?

Twyla! Whenever you're ready, I'm just right over here.

Moira: I forbid you to abandon our family.

Alexis: I am a grown woman, mother.

Moira: This is an act of a spoiled child!

David: I think it's unforgivable!

Alexis: I think that you're just super jealous, 'cause I'm getting out of here! Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.

"Take that back!" David yells.

"No." Says Alexis stubbornly.

"Take that back!" David repeats himself.

"No." Alexis says again.

"Take it back!"

"No!"

"Take it back!"

"No!"

Finally Johnny intersects, "Kids stop fighting!"

Reluctantly David and Alexis both sit back in their seats and stop arguing (for now.)

David: Don't do that!

Johnny: Kids, stop, stop!

Moira: The world is falling apart around us John, and I'm dying inside.

Johnny: Well, I'm feeling a little queasy myself. Oh, brisket!

David: Give me... some space!

Alexis: David!

Moira: John...  
\- Oh my God!

Alexis: Umm...

"What happened to…" Mutt trailed off before realizing exactly what must have happened to their doors.

Moira: These rooms did have doors, didn't they?

Johnny: Yeah, it's a hotel, they're hotel rooms!

David: It's a motel! These are motel rooms.

Alexis: What if they took our stuff?!

David: What stuff? There's no stuff to take.

Moira: I have stuff!

Johnny: Son of a bitch!  
-Yeah, I've got a problem.

Stevie: If this is about doors...

"No, it's about the lack of mold spots." David says sarcastically.

Johnny: Yeah, it's about doors, yeah, my doors are gone, my front door, somebody stole my doors!

Stevie: Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to Roland about that. He lives just down the street, you make a left out of the motel and then another left. It's a house with a truck in the driveway. There's a bumper sticker of a naked Helen Mirren.

Moira: Oh my Gosh, no! No! No!

Alexis: What?!

Moira: Ah! My earrings! They were there.  
\- They're not there!

"Nooooo!" Moira screeched, "Not my precious diamonds!"

David: Where did they go?

Moira: I don't know! I don't know! First you threatened to abandon me, and now my precious diamonds are gone!

Alexis: Okay, you are super dramatic right now.

Moira: Shut up and look for them!  
-Get open!

Johnny: Roland, I see you behind the truck!

Roland: Yeah, of course you see me. I'm looking at my gravel. Gravel these days, what are you gonna do?

"Gravel, really Roland?" Jocelyn sighs.

Johnny: Yeah, it's gravel.

Roland: Yeah, it's gravel! Hey, good news for you. I talked to a guy about that bathroom window.

Johnny: That's the least of my concerns right now!

Roland: Oh really? Well, why don't we address your concerns?!

Johnny: The doors! I want my doors back!

Roland: Oh!

"Why do you sound so surprised?" Rachel asks.

Johnny: Before it gets dark! My son is afraid of moths.

Roland: Oh, hmm. Well, here's the thing about that Johnny, you see, you did a bad thing. You disrespected me in front of your family! And now they think less of me.

"I literally do not think it's possible for me to think less of you." David states.

"Ah! Thanks Dave." Roland replies with a big smile.

David splutters for a second, "That wasn't a compliment!"

Johnny: I doubt that's possible. And to be honest, you were kinda breathing down our necks a little bit back at the motel.

Roland: Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room. And he said to me, "Roland, privacy is earned."

Mutt rolls his eyes a little, "And you passed the tradition along." He mutters.

Johnny: I am having a tough time following that. What the hell does that have to do with privacy?

Roland: Nothing. I just got mad, and I took your doors.

Johnny: Look, if you took offense to anything I said back at the motel, just know it wasn't personal.

"Yes, yes, it was." Moira muttered under her breath.

Roland: All right, apology accepted.

"Really? Just like that?" Ted asked.

"Sure, why not? He apologized and I accepted his apology. No hard feelings." Roland replied with his signature huge grin.

Johnny: Well, that was less of an apology, and more of an explanation.

Roland: Nevertheless, I accept your apology.

Johnny: Which it wasn't!

Roland: So thank you again for that apology.

Johnny: Well, there was no apology, and I can't do this anymore!

Roland: You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, and that takes a big man to do that, and that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man! Ooh!

Everyone laughs uproariously.

Moira: Oh! Hello! Hello! Hi, hello, come here, please. I don't suppose you saw  
any hobos or crackheads loitering around the hotel today?

Stevie: No crackheads, no...

Moira: While the rooms were exposed to  
the world like a Moroccan fair, someone got in here and stole my earrings. But it was just... but it was just you here today.

"I think I see where this is going." Patrick says.

Stevie: It was.

Moira: It was. I'm assuming you were the only one here on the premises today?

Stevie: I think I know where you're going with this.

Moira: No, I'm simply confirming that you alone were here when the earrings were stolen.

Stevie: Are you asking me if I stole your earrings?

Moira: No, I would never, please!

"Yes, you would. You've accused at least 17 maids of stealing various different items from you." Alexis discloses.

Moira: But I also would certainly never press charges if my earrings were suddenly to be returned. If they suddenly reappeared, if you gave them back I would not press charges, I would look the other way.

Stevie: Okay, you know what? I gotta run. 'Cause I wanna hit the pawn shop before it closes. I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so. You seem like you have this under control, though.

Everyone but Moira bursts into laughter.

"What is so funny?! That flannel-wearing receptionist just admitted to stealing my diamonds!" Moira cries.

Everyone just laughs harder.

David: What just happened?!

Moira: David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!

David: What?! I need a towel!

"Priorities." Alexis snorted. 

David: Hello, hi. Hi, I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something.

Stevie: It's fine.

David: Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds out of spite, or something?

"What sort of messed up hotel experiences have you had?" Rachel asks him.

David looks at her and shutters, responding, "You don't want to know."

Stevie: I won't be cleaning your room.

David: Okay, can I ask you a question?

Stevie: Shoot.

David: I think you're kind of rude!

Stevie: Is that a question?

Davis: I have asked you thrice now for a towel, so that I may wash this town off my body. Do you think I wanna be here?

Stevie: Do you think I wanna be here?!

"That is sort of your job." Ted points out.

David: I don't know what you want, you've given me one word answers since I got here!

Stevie: So if I get you a towel you'll  
stop following me to my car?

David: Yes! Yes!

Stevie: Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.

David looks her over appraisingly, "I like you." He finally says.

Stevie raises her eyebrows slightly and then gives him a small smile before looking away.

Johnny: The man is a lunatic! What the hell happened here?

Moira: We've been robbed. Right now some local is pawning my earrings for  
crank.

Johnny: Your diamonds?!

Moira: Yes, my diamonds, the one thing I could hide under my tongue.

Johnny: Moira, I took your earrings out of here, and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.

"Johnny! You should have told me!" Moira yells, hitting him on the shoulder.

"I think you're forgetting this hasn't happened yet!" Johnny slightly yells back.

Alexis: No! No! Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he's not coming! He said he doesn't have time to come and get me, because he already rsvp'd to Diddy's white party, and doesn't have time to do both! But I was supposed to be  
his date to the white party!

"What! Stavros broke up with me! No, No, No, Nooo!!!" Alexis wails in despair.

"Not to be insensitive, but how did you not see this coming? I mean he already broke up with you 5 times." David points out.

Alexis looks affronted and yells, "Shut up, David!"

Johnny: Alexis, he was never my favourite, Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my sixtieth.

David: Just out of sheer curiosity, um, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it...

Alexis: You're a dick, David!

David: Oh, I'm a dick? Okay, did I dump you for a party?!

Johnny: David, help me with the doors.

David: No I can't, I just got out of the shower.

Johnny: I need help with the doors.

David: Oh my Gosh!

Alexis: David, help him with the doors!

David: You help him with the doors!

"Wow, this is chaos. And if you've ever meet my family you know that not much beats them." Twyla comments.

Alexis: No!

Johnny: David, could you help me with the doors?!

David: It's air drying!

Moira: Pick up a hammer, and nail this coffin shut!

"Melodramatic much?" Roland crows.

Alexis: As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time that he gave me his ex wife's engagement ring? And then, last summer, that time that he left his Molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?

"I'm not sure if there is anything you can say to that." Stevie comments with a horrified look on her face.

David: Oh my Gosh! Can you do me a huge favour? And never repeat this to  
anyone that you respect, okay?  
-Okay? Okay.

Alexis: Okay.

Johnny: Kids, we just came in to say good night, and to remind you that we  
will get through this…

"Will we?" David asks skeptically.

David: Okay, good night!

Johnny: As a family...

David: Warmest regards to you both.

Johnny: And that will end up on our feet in no time!

Moira: Of course, by then our feet will be shoeless, and filthy and mangled, from walking on cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

"Okay I can't disagree with the fact that Schitt's Creek is a horrible, dirty, wasteland-"

Cue dirty looks.

"-but I don't think we have to worry about walking on cigarettes and beer bottles." David finishes ignoring the looks being sent his way.

Moira: So, seriously Alexis, enough about Stavros!

"I am obviously in mourning, Mother!" Alexis says indignitally.

Alexis: I'm sorry if I am going through something right now!

David: You're going through something?!

Moira: Good night, children.

Johnny: Good night!

David: Good night.

Alexis: Good night.

Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up.

"Well that was interesting." Johnny says.

"Intresting! Intresting! John we just found out that we are going to be living in some ho-dunk town which is literally name after shit and you think that's interesting!" Moira screeches.

"Sorry Moira, informative, it was informative." Johnny corrects himself.

"Please." Says David, "Informative my ass"

"I'm sorry." Rachael intersects "But I'm just wondering why me and Patrick are even here. I mean all of you make sense. But why me and Patrick?"

"Are you all planning on moving to hell anytime soon?" Alexis asks.

"I assume you're referring to Schitt's Creek and no we're not." Answers Patrick.

"No clue then." Alexis says.

"I would assume we all will have a role in everything we are seeing in some way, fashion or form." Says Stevie.

"Yeah, your probably right." Rachel says.

Suddenly the TV lit up with words again Are you all ready for the next episode?

"I think so." Ted says, "Everyone?"

A mix of nods and yes's echo around the room.

Great, well have fun. Oh and side note it would probably be best if you all don't kill each other.

The screen goes black again and then lights back up and the next episode begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> Constructive criticism and suggestions are both welcome and encouraged.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	3. The Drip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang watches Season 1, Episode 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Schitt's Creek, it's characters or anything else pertaining to the show.
> 
> Have fun and I hope you enjoy!!!!

_ The screen goes black again and then lights back up and the next episode begins. _

**_Johnny: Moira! Moira!_ **

**_Moira: Hm. Oh no! I just finally cried myself to sleep._ **

**_Johnny: The bed is soaking wet._ **

**_Moira: Is it blood?_ **

"Blood? Seriously?" David asks his mom incredulously.

"Yes David, blood, who knows what sort of things happen in a motel like that. For all I knew that concierge girl could have come into our room in the middle of the night and tried to murder us.

"You know, I'm sitting right here, right?" Stevie asks.

**_Johnny: No! There's... there is a leak in the ceiling. There is a brown disgusting drip coming._ **

"Ew, that is so gross!" Alexis says in disgust.

"I think I have to agree with you there." Rachel says while scrunching her nose.

**_Moira: Owwww!_ **

**_Johnny: Look at it! Look... oh my gosh._ **

**_Moira: I can't do it._ **

**_Johnny: This place is a dump! It's a dump_ **

**_Moira: I tried!_ **

**_Johnny: You know what, it's a hell hole._ **

**_Moira: I tried, John, but I can't!_ **

**_Johnny: Wake up. Start packing, the plumbing is shot to hell in this place and we are getting out. We are getting out!_ **

“You couldn’t have waited to tell us in the morning?” David asks disgruntled on his future selves behalf.

**_David: What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown?_ **

**_Johnny: It's a nightshirt, David. And that's not the issue._ **

"Pretty sure it is the issue." Alexis comments.

**_Johnny: The issue is the brown sludge in my bed. We're selling the place!_ **

"What! Why?" Asks Twyla, "Don't you like it here?"

Stevie snorts a little, "I'm pretty sure they think Schitt's creek lives up to its name."

**_David: It's 6:00 am!_ **

**_Johnny: What's the name of that mouthy kid at the front desk?_ **

**_David: I don't know. I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now._ **

Patrick gives a small fond smile looking at David, before realizing what he was doing and quickly looking away.

**_Johnny: The mouth, the mouth, the girl._ **

**_David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first._ **

"Yeah, I really don't need to see that. Especially not in person. No offense Mr. Rose." Stevie says.

"No offense taken, Stevie, right?" Johnny says trailing off a little near the end not remembering Stevies name at first.

**_David: There's an ebenezer scrooge thing happening right now._ **

**_Alexis: Oh my gosh, that's who I was thinking of._ **

**_Johnny: You know what?! I'll do it myself._ **

**_David: My best to Bob Cratchit._ **

**_Johnny: Hello! Hello! Service?_ **

**_-This bell is broken._ **

"Pretty sure that's the point." Mutt mumbles.

**_Stevie: Yeah, sorry. It's more or less decorative._ **

**_Johnny: There's a leak in my room. Brown, disgusting sewage water was dripping all over my bed this morning. I was soaking wet. So I need a plumber._ **

**_Stevie: You want me to call a plumber?_ **

"Is she deaf?" Moira whispers not at all quietly to Jocelyn.

"No! I'm she is just…" Jocelyn trails off not quite sure how to finish the sentence.

**_Johnny: Do I want you to call a plumber? Yes, yes I do. I want you to call… You should already be on the phone. Could you call a plumber?_ **

**_Stevie: Let's see if he's home... or conscious. He's a good guy, he's just a big drinker._ **

"Very true, one time he came into the cafe and offered upgrade the plumbing in the whole place. It was a nice offer but he was very drunk so I was pretty sure he was more likely to break the plumbing then make it any better." Twyla reminisces.

**_Johnny: I also need a real estate agent. The name of a good real estate agent right away._ **

"Yeah, good luck with that Johnny!" Roland laughs.

**_Stevie: Ooh, there's a guy named Ray. Yeah. He's the best one. He's also the only one so..._ **

**_Johnny: A guy named Ray..._ **

**_Stevie: Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Rose?_ **

**_Johnny: Yes. My wife and I will be taking breakfast in our room this morning. Eggs florentine and a yoghurt parfait._ **

Everyone who lives in Schitts Creek laughs uproariously.

"What? Its a reasonable request." David says slightly defensively.

"Its just very obvious you've never stayed in a motel before. They aren't really known for their 1st class continental breakfasts." Patrick says holding back a small grin.

Clearly he doesn't hold it back well enough as David scowls at him.

**_Stevie: Yeah... unfortunately, due to a lack of everything, we don't do room service. Uh, but you're always welcome to help yourself to our complimentary espresso bar._ **

**_Johnny: I'd rather drink the pipe-water._ **

**_Stevie: I hear ya._ **

**_Alexis: Ew! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet…_ **

"Stavros has already moved on! No! He is such an asshole." Alexis yells, very clearly upset.

**_Moira: Rub my back._ **

**_David: What?! No._ **

**_Moira: I rubbed your back many a_ **

**_nights when you were little._ **

**_David: Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance._ **

"Your mom made you pay her to rub your back?" Ted asks in incredulously, not quite believing the parent-child relationship that the Roses have.

**_Moira: Fine. You may select one silver piece from my accessory case. Right here._ **

**_Alexis: Omigosh… She has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot._ **

**_David: Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise._ **

**_Alexis: We said no social media post breakup. We had a pact about that._ **

"Of course he broke the pact too.!" Alexis cries in despair.

**_David: He dates hookers._ **

**_Alexis: Oh, well, I'm sorry, I don't hire my friends at model castings. Actually, now that I think about it, where are those friends?_ **

"Harsh." Stevie whispers underneath her breath. Recognizing a little of herself in David, in how he has trouble connecting with people.

**_David: They're just giving me space right now. Because they're considerate people._ **

**_Alexis: Oh right. Space. Yeah._ **

**_David: Okay. Well, I think it's best that he dumped you._ **

"David!" Alexis yells.

"Well I think he was a fool to let someone as beautiful as you go." Ted stands up for Alexis.

Alexis blushes a little and looks over at Ted and gives him a huge smile, "Thank you, Ted."

**_Alexis: He didn't dump me. We actually both decided that it was best that he see other people so…_ **

**_Moira: Children, mindless bickering is a luxury we may no longer afford. You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud but our worlds evil twin… has reared her ugly..._ **

**_David: Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door._ **

**_Moira: David! You might actually wanna hear this._ **

"I sincerely doubt that." David says.

**_Ray: Oh hi!_ **

"Good luck with him, Ray can be a bit much at times and from what I've seen of you guys, he doesn't really seem like the type of person you'd get along with." Jocelyn says in caution.

**_Johnny: Are you Ray?_ **

**_Ray: Yes._ **

**_Johnny: You're late. Johnny Rose. My wife, Moira._ **

**_Moira: Hello._ **

**_Ray: Hi._ **

**_Moira: Oh, I love your complexion._ **

"Wow." Stevie drawls looking over at David as if to ask whether his mom actually just said that.

David just gives a long suffering sigh.

**_Ray: So... what can I help you with, housing, investment opportunities?_ **

**_Moira: Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town._ **

**_Johnny: We're willing to settle for what we paid for it. More if you can get it, but definitely not less._ **

"How much did you pay in the first place?" Asks Rachel.

"Uh…" Johnny trails off, "I can't remember at the moment, but I'm sure it will come back to me."

**_Ray: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not super optimistic. You know, because the government saw no value in Schitt's Creek. You know, when they repossessed your assets. You know, because of the humiliation…_ **

"Yeah, Ray's not exactly known for his tact." Ted says apologetically.

**_Johnny: Yes, we know. We know. We know._ **

**_Ray: Well, we'll do our best. First we just have to get Roland to sign off on the listing and then we're good to go._ **

"Since when did the mayor need to sign of on this?" Asks Johnny.

"Since always Johnny boy! Aren't you excited to see me again?" Roland says in a mixture of excitement and knowing glee. As he is well aware how much Johnny doesn't like him.

**_Moira: I need to confer with the financial powerhouse of the family._ **

**_-Since when did the mayor need to sign off on this?_ **

**_Johnny: Ray, since when did the mayor_ **

**_need to sign off on this?_ **

**_Ray: Well, it's all here..._ **

**_Johnny: Son of a bitch!_ **

**_David: Oh, excuse me. I don't think my sheets have been cleaned. They smell like cigarettes._ **

**_Stevie: No, that's just the way they smell. Also, you can tell your dad that the plumber was busy so I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was._ **

"That sounds like a fun arrangement." Rachel comments sarcastically.

**_David: Okay. We're gonna be selling the town, so it'll be someone else's problem soon._ **

"You seem pretty optimistic that the town is going to sell. What will you do if they don't find a buyer?" Patrick asks, purposefully trying to rile David up. He couldn't quite explain to himself why, he just liked seeing him worked up.

David once again gives him a dirty look, "I'm trying to be an optimist. But you just have to torture me don't you."

Patrick simply grins at him.

**_Stevie: But it's such a great place to live._ **

**_David: I think you're funny._ **

**_Stevie: Thank you._ **

"I smell the start of a friendship!" Twyla tells Stevie bumping her shoulder slightly.

"Please, like I would be friends with some spoiled rich kid." Stevie scoffs. But discreetly she gives David a small once over and thinks internally that she might not mind having a friend.

**_Stevie: Um, look I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing but you know... close._ **

**_David: I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally._ **

**_Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts._ **

**_David: Okay. I'm gonna pass. I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight so…_ **

"Hey!" Roland says, taking offense, "I can admit that Schitt's Creek may not be the best town ever but if there's one thing I take pride in its making sure that our town is a safe and inclusive environment."

Johnny looks at Roland reassessing him slightly.

**_Stevie: Okay._ **

**_Alexis: Stavros just posted three more photos. Who are these jenky women?_ **

**_David: Uh, from the looks of it they're blonde and mostly naked so…_ **

**_Alexis: Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns?_ **

"Religo cult towns?" Mutt says with half humor, half mocking.

Alexis blushes, "Well I don't know it definitely seems like it could be."

"Wow, such high praise." Mutt says with fake thankfulness.

**_Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed so..._ **

**_Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute._ **

Rachel's eyebrows raise, "What is this your Tumblr profile?"

**_David: No, it wouldn't._ **

**_Alexis: You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you._ **

**_Stevie: You're welcome. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Having all that fun._ **

"Yeah you really sound like you're looking forward to it." Ted says holding back barely contained. laughter.

**_David: Wow._ **

**_Roland: So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh?_ **

**_Johnny: Well..._ **

**_Roland: Shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to sign off on the listing._ **

**_Johnny: Well, thank you, very much, Roland, I appreciate it._ **

**_Roland: Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up._ **

"This is definitely a trap." Mutt comments knowingly.

**_Johnny: Mr. Mayor, that's not necessary. No, no. Roland, a signature, that's all I need._ **

**_Roland: Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do; you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?_ **

"100% trap." Mutt reaffirms.

"Does he do stuff like this a lot?" Alexis asks.

"Yep. He makes it seem like it's the simplest thing in the world and then he ends up springing loads of extra conditions on you." Mutt says, clearly annoyed at his father.

**_Johnny: Right. Okay. Honestly Roland, it's just a, it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it._ **

**_Roland: You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think._ **

"And if we didn't go, you would what not sign?" Moira finished with a little laugh as if it's the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard.

"Well, no I wouldn't." Roland replies with a small frown.

Moiras jaw drops open in disbelief

"Calm down Moira I suppose it's his prerogative when and if he signs the papers." The words seemed to physically hurt him to say.

**_Johnny: No, no. I'd love to come to_ **

**_dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner._ **

**_Roland: Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this. So let's just do this my way._ **

"See, he's started the manipulation already." Mutt says.

**_Johnny: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, dinner is._ **

**_Roland: Dinner it is, atta boy. Okay._ **

**_Moira: How did you not get the contract signed, John? Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?!_ **

**_Johnny: Look Roland's playing games, honey, he's playing games. So this is something we have to do._ **

**_Alexis: Okay. Well, I would love to go, but I've actually double booked myself. I'm going to a truck party um, with the front desk girl and obviously she'd be super devastated if I bailed last minute. So I can't. I can't go._ **

"Yeah, I would be just heartbroken, I don't know how I would go on." Stevie deadpans.

**_Johnny: Okay. Well, cancel it because_ **

**_you're coming to dinner._ **

**_Alexis: No._ **

**_Johnny: One of you kids has to come. Davis, you've got nothing on tonight._ **

"I'm sorry, that's offensive. Why, why would you think that." He asks defensively.

"We just know our children that well." Moira preens.

"What's my middle name?" Alexis asks.

"Well… I… Alice?" Moira almost stutters.

"Oh my gosh." David mutters under his breath.

Everyone else looks at them in disbelief. Not quite believing that she actually forgot her daughter's middle name.

**_David: How... How do you know that?_ **

**_Johnny: What do you have on tonight?_ **

**_David: What?_ **

Everyone laughs.

**_Johnny: Good, it's settled._ **

**_Moira: Or you could go alone, John. Since you are the one who did not get the contract signed._ **

"Oh burn, dad!" Alexis laughs.

**_Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business._ **

**_Moira: Don't you dare..._ **

**_Johnny: It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow._ **

**_Moira: And which are you doing now, John?_ **

**_Johnny: I am leading, Moira._ **

**_Moira: In a Roland game I think you're following._ **

**_Johnny: Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think…_ **

"I followed maybe half of that." Patrick says confused.

"Don't worry man, I got none of it. So you are already beating me." Ted says grinning at him.

Patrick grins back.

**_Moira: Are you listening to this?_ **

**_David: Hmm?_ **

**_Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading._ **

"Sure you are Johnny, whatever you need to tell yourself." Roland says with an exaggerated wink.

**_Moira: I shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose._ **

**_Johnny: What's this?_ **

"How are you just now noticing that?" David asks, a little worried about his father's mental health.

Johnny blushes a little, "I've been busy." He defends himself weakly.

**_David: Uh yeah, Stevie called. Apparently the plumber's in rehab. And you also... you have something on your… I don't know what that is but it's a thing._ **

**_Alexis: David, for the gate party tonight is_ **

**_it more of a leather pants thing or…_ **

"Pretty sure most people just wear whatever they were wearing during the rest of the day." Stevie informs Alexis.

"You mean to tell me that the people in this town don't change their outfits for a party at all!?" Alexis cries in a mix of despair and rage.

Stevie looks too surprised/terrified to answer.

**_Johnny: Son of a bitch!_ **

**_Johnny: Thanks for having us, Jocelyn. Thank you._ **

**_Jocelyn: Make yourselves at home. Roland is just on the toilet._ **

"How unexpected." Moira remarks sarcastically.

**_Johnny: Oh, what a surprise._ **

**_David: You have a really lovely home. It's really, um, understated._ **

Patrick snorts.

"What?" David asks him annoyed.

"Nothing." Patrick tries to seem innocent but is fooling no one.

**_Jocelyn: Thank you. I get a lot of_ **

**_my ideas from magazines._ **

**_Moira: Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you._ **

"Awe, thank you, Moira! That's so sweet!" Jocelyn exclaims.

"She does know that, that wasn't supposed to be a compliment, right." Twyla whispers.

**_Roland: Hey, okay. It's the Roses. Come on, folks, please sit. Come on, I'm just the mayor for crying out loud. Ooh, hors d'oeuvres. Mmm._ **

**_Jocelyn: That's too bad about Alexis._ **

**_Moira: Well, it is. But we did bring the life of the party. Our David._ **

"Oh yeah, the life of the party." Patrick says, holding back laughter as he looks at David's uncomfortable face on the screen.

**_Roland: Well, I guess, that just means there is more for you and me, right Dave?_ **

**_Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball._ **

**_Johnny: Cheeseball?_ **

**_Jocelyn: It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him. Go ahead._ **

"Oh my gosh, mom! No one needs to know that!" Mutt looks horrified.

"Ew, Ew, Ew! I will never be able to get that picture out of my head!" Alexis despair.

Everyone else make various other looks or sounds of disgust.

**_Johnny: Oh yes, can't wait. Can't wait. Mmm._ **

**_Jocelyn: So David, tell us about yourself_ **

**_I hear you're a gallerist._ **

**_Roland: Wow. There's a $10 dollar word._ **

**_Moira: David owned a brilliant gallery. Tell them about your last show._ **

**_David: It's not..._ **

**_Moira: You must, please._ **

**_Johnny: Tell them, David, tell them._ **

**_David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen._ **

"Really? That's awesome! I love her." Rachel says in delight.

"Huh, I like you." David says with a smile. Though it falls a little bit as he looks to the person sitting next to Rachel, "Can't say much for your taste in men though."

Rachel laughs at the offended look that came on to her fiance's face at that.

**_Roland: Kempfluugen?_ **

**_David: She's a Brooklyn based performance artist and she's a big deal. Anyway um... she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breastfeed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality._ **

Everyone whos not apart of the Rose family or is Rachel, eyebrows shoot up in suprise.

**_Roland: Wow..._ **

**_Johnny: Heady stuff._ **

**_Roland: Well, hmm..._ **

**_Alexis: Lip Gloss?_ **

**_Stevie: No thank you._ **

**_Alexis: I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French._ **

"Thank you?" Stevie says mimicking her on screen self.

**_Stevie: Thank you._ **

**_Alexis: So, why are you single?_ **

**_Stevie: Who said I'm single?_ **

**_Alexis: Girl, we're on the hunt. I hope you're single._ **

**_Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em._ **

"Ain't that the truth." Twyla says with despair. Though she blushes a little as she looks at Mutt remembering the night they first slept together.

**_Alexis: Hmm. Okay. I'm gonna go do a lap and this swan is best when she flies solo. So you're gonna be okay?_ **

**_Stevie: I live here._ **

**_Alexis: Okay. Am I good?_ **

**_Stevie: Yes? Okay. Thank Are you not cold- Chuck, beer!_ **

**_Roland: I know it's gotta be in here somewhere, slippery little bastard._ **

"Oh, Wow. That's really gross and my job mainly consists of scrapping various bugs off of animals." Ted says with a scrunched up nose.

**_Roland: Maybe a fork would help, Roland?_ **

**_Roland: Oh, that's sweet. Thank you. I'm okay. I'll find it._ **

**_Johnny: So is that the ah, contract over there?_ **

**_Roland: Yeah, it is. You know, I gotta be honest with you, I tried reading that thing. It is really boring. Ah, got it! There she is! Okay. Ohh! Oh my God, honey... oh, that is good. That is good._ **

Everyone grimaces at Rolands terrible table manners.

**_Moirah: I believe you were saying, John._ **

**_Roland: Yes. This reminds me of a merger I put together in Zurich. It was two families breaking bread together._ **

**_David: Ahh! Agh. My head. My head hurts._ **

Patrick can't hold back a smile at David's very obviously fake headache.

**_Jocelyn: Oh no! Are you okay?_ **

**_David: Um, I think it's the migraines that I get a lot._ **

**_Johnny: Oh, I think... I think that'll pass, David._ **

Everyone laughs a little harder at Johnny's very obvious intent to get David to shut up.

**_David: I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing._ **

**_Jocelyn: Migraines can be so awful._ **

**_Johnny: Yeah, well, not this one. Not this one._ **

**_David: Yeah, you know what? I... I think I need to go._ **

"Smooth." Ted comments.

**_Johnny: I think you need to eat something and that will help._ **

**_David: No, I think I need to go back._ **

**_Moira: Take me with you please._ **

"Moira!" Johnny says exasperated, "I thought you wanted to get out of this town."

**_Johnny: David, sit down. Sit down. Sit back down._ **

**_David: Jocelyn, thank you so much for dinner._ **

**_Roland: Why don't you lay down on our mattress. The sheets are in the dryer but there is a rubber pad._ **

"Oh my gosh David, yes, please do that!" Alexis says barely able to contain her laughter.

**_David: No. Thanks._ **

**_Johnny: David! Don't go near the door. David! Do not open that door._ **

**_Moira: I brought vodka as a house gift. I don't see it._ **

"You'll need vodka to get through dinner with my parents." Mutt scoffs.

Alexis gives him a seductive look which he doesn't hesitate to return.

**_Alexis: That's what I say. Great._ **

"You look horrified, David." Patrick comments amused.

"What?" David says defensively, "Its a very unusual environment for my sister to be seen in."

**_Twyla: I'm Twyla from the cafe._ **

"There's me again!" Twyla exclaims.

**_David: Yeah. Yeah. Davis Rose._ **

**_Twyla: I'm a little drunk._ **

"Never would have guessed." Rachel teases her playfully.

**_Stevie: Hey._ **

**_Twyla: Hey Stevie. I am going to roast myself a marshmallow. Anybody?_ **

**_Stevie: No. Thanks._ **

**_Twyla: You're all good?_ **

**_David: No._ **

**_Twyla: Great._ **

**_Stevie: I don't know why you were so reluctant to show up here. You fit right in._ **

"Well that makes sense his mom did say he was the life of the party." Ted says completely genuine.

"Pretty sure she was joking, man." Mutt says looking at him incredulously.

**_David: Well, my sister texted me "help". And my mind went straight to deliverance. So I wasn't too far off._ **

Alexis snorts at that.

**_Stevie: That's funny because your sister texted me from across the bonfire and said you'd probably show up here because you were bored and lonely and had nothing better to do._ **

"That sounds more accurate." Alexis says placated.

**_David: Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being. That's where that's coming from._ **

"Hey!" Alexis yells offended, while everyone else is laughing uproariously.

**_Stevie: Oh, okay. Oh. Well, she seems fine._ **

**_Alexis: Are you serious? That's so funny. That's so funny._ **

**_Stevie: So I guess you're free to go._ **

**_David: I'm gonna need a stiff drink to get through this. Stiff._ **

**_Moira: So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school, or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing._ **

**_Jocelyn: I teach high school._ **

**_Moira: Oh, you're a saint._ **

"What? Why? I love teaching kids." Jocelyn says confused.

"I'm pretty sure she was just saying you're a saint in general honey." Roland placates her.

"No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't." Moira mutters, thankfully underneath her breath.

**_Jocelyn: I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk._ **

"Mom…" Mutt moans. He's started to wonder if he is only there to be embarrassed by his parents.

**_Roland: Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm?_ **

"Can't blame you for that one. I've had to give more than one boy a stern glare in my time as well." Johnny mutters.

**_Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute._ **

"How exactly does that make it cute?" Stevie questions.

**_Moira: John..._ **

**_Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!_ **

**_Moira: Excuse me?_ **

**_Roland: I didn't want to say anything,_ **

"Then don't." Alexis snarks.

**_Roland: But you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay"._ **

**_Moira: Thanks._ **

**_Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I_ **

**_was as good as wallpaper._ **

"I have to say Mrs. Rose, I've only seen a couple episodes of Sunrise Bay, but I also thought you were amazing." Twyla says enthusiastically.

"Well, thank you…" Moira starts enthusiastically but trails off when she forgets Twyla's name.

"Twyla!" Twyla says, still enthusiastic.

**_Roland: Hey, how many people did_ **

**_you slap on that show?_ **

**_Moira: I don't care._ **

**_Johnny: She can't remember, there were so many slaps._ **

"No I just don't care." Moira says.

**_Moira: Enough about me. Let's talk about you signing this contract._ **

"Nice redirect, Mrs. R." Patrick says in a voice that could charm any parent.

"Why thank you, Pat." Moira says pleased.

Patrick shoots David a shit eating grin.

David throws a bitch face back at him.

**_Roland: Well, somebody is in a little hurry, ain't she?_ **

**_Johnny: No, no. We're not in a hurry. No._ **

**_Moira: Aren't we?_ **

**_Johnny: No. We're not. No._ **

**_Moira: Really?_ **

**_Roland:There it is again! Bam! Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivien..._ **

**_Moira: Moira._ **

**_Roland: I will go ahead and sign off on the sale..._ **

**_Moira: Good._ **

**_Roland: ... For a slap._ **

"I'm sorry, what?" Johnny says incredulously.

**_Moira: Excuse me?_ **

**_Roland: I've always wanted to be slapped by Vivien Blake._ **

**_Jocelyn: It's true. We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing._ **

Mutt starts going threw his life wondering what he did to deserve having to listen to so much about his parents sex life.

In the end he decides it must be the drug dealing.

**_Moira: You'd like me to slap you?_ **

**_Roland: Yeah._ **

**_Moira: I don't think..._ **

**_Roland: Well, don't think. Just do it. Slap me._ **

**_Johnny: He wants you to slap him._ **

**_Moira: I won't._ **

**_Jocelyn: Slap him, Moira._ **

**_Johnny: Go ahead and slap him._ **

**_Jocelyn: Slap my husband, Moira._ **

**_Moira: John, I won't!_ **

**_Johnny: Slap him or I'll slap him._ **

"Wow peer pressure at its finest." Stevie says in a condescending voice.

Both Jocelyn and Johnny look slightly chagrined but Roland just keeps smiling.

**_Roland: Slap me!_ **

**_Moira: I won't._ **

**_Roland: Slap me like a bitch!_ **

**_Moira: Sign the fucking contract!_ **

"Wow." The thought seemed to be unanimous.

**_Roland: Okay._ **

"Really? Just like that?" Rachel asks.

"Looks like it." Patrick replies.

**_Alexis: Um... this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so... bye._ **

**_Stevie: Your choices are beer or beer._ **

**_David: I assume a pint glass is out of the question?_ **

"Yeah, I've only been to a few of these parties and I would say the chance of anything better than a bottle or a keg is very low." Ted comments.

**_Alexis: You came! How was dinner?_ **

**_David: Um... worse than this? Although at this point it's sort of a moving target._ **

**_Stevie: Here, hold this._ **

"Looks like it's a keg. Good luck with that." Stevie teases him.

**_Alexis: So there are no guys for me here. But it was kind of nice to just like to flex the old muscle._ **

**_Stevie: Put your thumb over the tube._ **

**_Alexis: Agh, I kind of wanna just go for it but… But sometimes it doesn't work out, I guess._ **

**_David: Yeah._ **

**_Stevie: Okay, put the tube in your mouth._ **

**_David: What? Uh..._ **

**_Stevie: Yeah. Just open your throat. And go down, 'cause you're tall._ **

"I'm sorry. What exactly is it that you're doing to me?" David asks.

"You've never drank out of a keg before?" Stevie asks. "Wait never mind I already know the answer to that question." Stevie finishes her own thought before David could say anything.

**_Alexis: Okay. David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay?_ **

**_Stevie: Just open your throat!_ **

**_Alexis: You!_ **

Mutts eyebrow shot up, as he watches Alexis make out with him on the screen.

Alexis looks over at Mutt and licks her lips.

**_Random People - Chug!_ **

**_\- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!_ **

**_Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!_ **

**_Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!_ **

**_Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!_ **

**_Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!_ **

"Why are all those people yelling so loudly!" Moira says her voice slightly raised so she could be heard over the people shouting on the screen.

"Because that's what you do when someone is drinking out of a keg." Stevie answers her.

**_Alexis: Are you ready? Can we move?_ **

**_Roland: And that's the last one there! Done! Alrighty. There you go, Johnny, congratulations._ **

"Finally, we will be able to get out of this horrible place." Moira says dramatically.

**_Johnny: Thank you very much. Thank you._ **

**_Roland: Just remember one thing, okay? This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende?_ **

"Wow, Mr. Mayor didn't know you had it in you." Ted says in awe.

**_Roland: I'm just messing with you, man! Come on!_ **

**_Johnny: Wow._ **

**_Roland: Or am I? No. I am._ **

**_Johnny: Moira! Shall we?_ **

"Yeah, I don't blame you for getting out of there." Rachel says.

"Same." Twyla agrees.

**_Moira: Yeah. Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years._ **

**_Jocelyn: I'll send you the recipes._ **

**_Johnny: Yes, Jocelyn, words can't express._ **

"Oh, I'm pretty sure they can. But it's no words I'd feel comfortable saying aloud. And that's saying something." David says.

**_Roland: Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town. You sure gonna need it._ **

"I don't like the sound of that." Johnny says worried.

**_Johnny: Why's that?_ **

**_Roland: Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, it was on the_ **

**_market for like what 20 years before you bought it._ **

"20 years!" Moira shrieks.

Both Alexis and David give their father accusing looks.

"What?" Johnny asks incredulously, "How was I supposed to know?"

**_Johnny: 20 years?_ **

**_Roland: Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! Then along came you._ **

Everyone giggles a little at this.

"Moira!" Johnny yells at his wife.

"I'm sorry John. You have to admit it was slightly funny though." Moira tries to placate him.

**_Moira: John! Did you know this town_ **

**_was on the market for 20 years before we bought it?_ **

**_Johnny: How would I know that? W... why would I know that? I didn't know that. But look, let's look at the bright side…_ **

"What brightside?" David mutters.

**_Moira: There is no bright side. This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all. Johnny well, you know what?_ **

**_Johnny: I think that's being a little dramatic._ **

**_Moira: Yes! It's dramatic!_ **

**_Johnny: Sweetheart! We got the thing signed, okay?! And if we have to fix this town up before we sell it, then we fix it up. We fix it up, bit by bit. And it's gonna take hard work but we can do it because we're Roses. And there is nothing we can't do…_ **

"Aw… what an encouraging speech." Twyla cooes.

**_Alexis: Hi... hi… You're being super loud right now._ **

**_David: I can hear you through the headphones!_ **

**_Alexis: So if you can just wrap it up in here._ **

**_David: 10 to a 5. Thanks._ **

"Right can't let, precious David, lose any of his beauty sleep." Patrick says sarcastically.

"Fall off a bridge please." David sasses back.

**_Johnny: I feel good about this. I really do._ **

"Oh you do, do you?" Moira starts slightly hysterical.

"Moira please." Johnny cuts her off before she can start a rant.

"Well that was fun." Mutt comments sarcastically.

**How is everyone so far.** The screen suddenly lights up.

Patrick seeing the looks on the Rose family's faces quickly starts talking, "Pretty good. Though I am still confused why me and Rachel are here."

The words on the screen change to,  **Right, I actually was going to mention that. So you all know how I mentioned that 14 out of 16 "episodes" will take place in the future.**

Everyone nods.

**Yes well, we watched the two that take place this year so now it's time for the ones that are in 2020. The main reason I'm bringing this up is so you all are aware that many, many, many things will be different.**

"What do you mean different?" David asks.

**Well it's 5 years from now. And let's just say a lot changes in 5 years. So are you all ready to see your future.**

Everyone looks a little more hesitant than they did the last two times but in the end everyone nods and says yes.

**Great! Have fun then and enjoy.**

And just like last time, the words disappear off the screen and the next episode starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Constructive criticism is both welcome and encouraged as always!


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